My (slightly crazy) view of the world

Archive for March, 2011

Wrong Number Etiquette – How NOT To Do It…

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I had a call today from someone unknown. It was a man, apparently looking for somebody named Heather.

Wrong number. Obviously. Not usually a big deal. In a situation like this I am normally quick and polite, informing the caller I am not who they are looking for, that they have unfortunately dialled the wrong mobile (cell) number, and that would be the end of that.

However!

Today’s call didn’t quite go that way.

It’s always difficult taking a call when on a busy train station platform, awaiting the imminent arrival of the train; it is packed with people desperate to get to the edge of the platform first, ensuring they are one of the first to board the train and bag themselves one of the few available seats (I’ve often wondered whether people just board a train and ride it all day long, with no other purpose than to fill seats – why else are there NEVER enough seats for everyone?! Ever! Is the whole world really going to the exact same place I am?!). As today was one of my ‘fazed return’ workdays, this was the situation I found myself in.

I, too, surreptitiously elbowed my fellow commuters in the sides while I positioned myself on the platform where, I thought, the doors of the train might open once the train had stopped.
I was wedged between an (abnormally large) woman, with what can only be described as a dead cat on her head, posing as a hair do, and an extremely tall and skinny man in a suit – but don’t be fooled readers, he may have weighed no more than a Mars bar, however, he had a look in his eye that suggested sudden death for anyone foolish enough to push in front of him.

I was not that foolish.

Commuting is pretty stressful (they say, apparently, commuters collectively have the highest blood pressure of any other group of people in England…apparently. I’m not too sure who ‘they’ are, but whatever; it works for this post anyway), and you have to be on your guard most of the time.

But I digress…

So today was the usual bustle and fight, and I, standing my ground, refused to be intimidated, wedged between the two aforementioned, preparing myself to board the now visible train. However, just as it pulled in – yep, you’ve guessed it! – my mobile phone trilled it’s happy, tinny tune.

Frustrated, I delved into my bag, while keeping my eye on the train as it moved slowly into position on the platform.
I dug around the tissues (used), make-up (a must), book (of course!), purse, pens (lid-less. Damn it), perfume, loose change, the sock (?!), and other crap, until I found it, buried right down at the bottom.

I whipped it out without checking caller ID (very rare!) and answered with what can only be described as a vague but frustrated “hello?!”

Caller: Hello.
Me: Erm, hello (again).
C: How are you?
M: Um, fine.
(The doors of the train are about to open, and the pushing from the mass of commuters behind me begins)
C: Good. That’s great.
M: Sorry, who did you say was calling?
C: I didn’t (cue amused chuckle. WTF?!) Its me. Don’t you recognise me voice, Heather?
(realisation dawns)
M: Ahh. Sorry, you appear to have dialled the wrong number. I’m not Heather. Sorry about th-
(interrupts my explanation – the cheek!)
C: Oh! Sorry about that!
(The pushing has intensified and I am literally being swept onto the train with the rest of the commuters)
M: That’s okay. Sorry. By-
(Again, interrupted!)
C: No, no, my fault.
(I expect him to disconnect the call now, and turn my attention to finding an available seat. My hawk eye spots one at the back of the carriage, and I begin to make my way there before it is scooped up by someone else – phone still to my ear.)
C: So..?
M: Err, sorry. Wrong number. I have to-
(interrupts, AGAIN!)
(I am now sliding myself into position onto the available seat. The train has turned silent now that everyone is settled, and I still seem to have this random caller on my phone)
C: Yes, yes, I know. I apologise for that. Maybe we could talk though?
(great. A crazy person on my phone. I am just about to disconnect the call, when he says..)
C: So tell me, what are you wearing?
WFT?!!!
M: I’m terribly sorry, (still trying to maintain the politeness, but can feel it begin to slip away) but you have the wrong number, I’ve no no intention of telling you (lower voice to ensure minimal commuters can hear) what I am wearing, and I am about to disconnect this call. Goodb-
C: Okay. I’m sorry. I was only joking. I’ll go now.
M: okay, bye
C: oh wait! One more thing…
M: (sighs) Yes?
C: what position do you liked to be f***ked in?!
WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?
I immediately hang up the phone, and spend the entire duration of my journey home with a face matching the colour of a beetroot!

Who the HELL does that?!!

I will never answer my phone without checking caller ID again. Let this be a lesson to all you non-ID-checkers out there! You never know, you could get weird-talker-sex pest-man next time!

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I have returned!

As the above suggests, I AM BACK! Here to bore you with my pointless ramblings once more.
Did you miss me? 😉

So, where have I been for a month?
Well, I shall tell you…
Nowhere. I have done nothing. Zilch. Nada. There is no excuse (oh, except for the part where I was sucked into a black whole at the bottom of my garden, thrown into a world dominated by fairies and made their queen. But that’s irrelevant…).

I have quite simply been completely unable to type anything! With no idea what to write, or even how to begin, my blog has been deserted.

I read a few books during my disappearing act – some good, some very good and some rather bad, oh, and I returned to work after SIX MONTHS – what a shock to the system that was! – but I plan now to devote my attentions once more to my blog. So here goes….

I have missed my blogging buddies – you know who you are: Kevin – Mr Trailer, Monsieur Hook, Lois, Groovyrick, Dtralser and many more of you, and i’ve missed the giggles others’ posts have given me.
I was reading one the other day which made me laugh so hard I actually had tears – yes, real tears! It’s amazing how much someone elses writing can transform your day from gloomy to cheery in a matter of minutes 🙂

So…back to work. Back to the daily grind and the hour long commute on the train to London.
Oh how I’ve missed it….
Because I’m on a ‘fazed return’ (a few hours each day – you know, to get back into the swing of things) I am travelling at different times of the day than I usually would. This means I am travelling with those that do not work, ie, screaming babies, loud, obnoxious groups of teenagers, arguing couples and noisy pensioners. Oh it’s so much fun. Honestly, I love it.

(I wonder if you’re able to detect the sarcasm dipping from every word yet?)

But that aside, it’s been pretty good getting back into the real world again; seeing someone other than my cats during the day – conversations aren’t as good, but meh! You can’t have it all…

There are a few new faces in the office, and a lot who have left and moved elsewhere during my time away, so it’s been pretty weird – almost like starting a new job. I’m looked at like the new girl, which I’m not too sure how to take really. In a way, it’s nice, but also a little patronising. I want to jump up and down like a petulant child, waving my arms around and screaming, “I’ve been here for years! Stop telling me how I’m supposed to do my job!!”
But I guess that’s just me being lame, as usual, and it will all go back to normal eventually.

Sooooo, I guess that’s enough crazy for one post. But fear not, I’m back, and here to stay, so of course more crazy will follow soon!

I’m off to check on the fairies now – peace out!

AAARGH!

Can’t write anything!!

Where has the inspiration gone?!!!!